A Ghost in Mind [Part Five]
Jul. 29th, 2014 01:02 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
checkinyourbraTitle: A Ghost in Mind [5/6]
Part Five: Jessica
--
The clock turned to 3:05pm under Jessica’s alert vigil. She’d been awake for about an hour at that point, listening to Tiffany’s light breathing and her own inner voice.
She said it.
“I love you.”
Admittedly, she didn’t have much experience in shallow sexcapades. As much as she’d like to shrug off the other woman’s raspy, coital confession with all the coolness of an empowered feminist, it wouldn’t happen. Not in her nature.
What would she think about all this? Jessica’s stomach turned.
Her apartment was full of ghosts. Past’s reflections of smiling, crying, laughing, arguing, hiding…
Jessica couldn’t name her current feeling. Some wretched creature between ‘guilt’ and ‘tranquility’. Did she invent this novel state of mind? Surely, someone’s had to experience it before.
She expressed her love while they were in college. Jessica recalled dog-earing her published piece in the University’s creative writing anthology--a page-long poem about new beginnings. With the hint of a tear in her eye, she read the lines silently. Twice, in fact. Then, she faced her, beaming with so much joy those cheeks could rival a sunrise. “I love you, too, Jessi.”
That’s all it took. The last straw to break the barrier into complete devotion. Jessica, from then on, belonged to her.
Not anymore.
Who did she belong to now?
Jessica eyed the bedroom; every ghost manifested itself in picture frames, furniture, pieces of clothing, and...Tiffany.
As if she sensed the perusal, the dark-haired woman groaned into the mattress, eyebrows curved and lips trembling. Probably having a dream.
That's what the present resembled with Tiffany in her bed. A dream.
Maybe she didn’t know better, after all.
She toyed with the jasper beetle while she watched Tiffany sleep. The pillow taking Jessica’s tightly-gripped place could burst into a feathery explosion at any given time. Jessica wondered if Tiffany had always clung onto people and things with ferocity. An insecure layer her subconscious betrayed.
Her lover had to die in order for this ghost to show up. Twisted.
“Are you real?” she repeated.
Slim fingers twisted into the necklace chain. If she were to ‘wear her fears around her neck’, given the circumstances, how would the charm be fashioned?
Insects still scared Jessica.
Facing Sungmin and Mi-Kyung frightened her more. So did the thought of actually moving on. To leave cherished memories in the past. To not hoard every single object that reminded her of love’s past. To find love again.
Jessica pulled a lock of dark hair from Tiffany’s forehead, wishing to press her lips onto the soft skin. Instead, she grazed it with the back of her hand.
Tiffany, standing 20-feet tall in her heels, restlessly avoiding eye contact with any of the other funeral goers. Exuding every air of haughtiness. Bitchiness. Showing minimal facial expressions until she hugged Mi-Kyung and hovered over her casket. Seeing raw emotion from the Tiffany Hwang tarnished every facet of her headcanon. Powerful, impenetrable, too-big-to-fail girlfriend of the past had her own vulnerabilities. Troubles beyond what she could only imagine. She’d lived a full life, without a doubt.
Allowing her to utter those three words...
This wasn’t fair to Tiffany. She’d been through heartbreak of her own.
Taking...whatever one would call their relations...to the level of using ‘love’ had little regard for Tiffany’s feelings. The taboo of the situation was invigorating, explosive. And now that they’d connected on a physical plane, Jessica yearned for more. To give a part of herself. Tiffany seemed too prideful to accept help willingly, but it’d be worth a try.
“Fany.” Jessica stroked raven silkness as she whispered. “Wake up, sleepyhead.”
The woman mumbled above the pillow, pushing her head further into Jessica’s touch.
“Are you that tired?”
“Tribbing you wore me out.”
Jessica blushed. Tiffany seriously had no filter. “It’d be a shame for you to sleep the day away.”
“Time?”
“Twenty after three.”
“Give me coffee. Caffeinated coffee.”
When a beat passed without a ‘just kidding’, Jessica threw her head back and laughed. Tiffany looked shaken by the reaction. “Making commands in my home, Fany? You’re a piece of work.”
She simply stared, the tiniest smirk etched upon her lips. “Your laugh is pleasant.”
“Do you encounter many unpleasant laughs?”
“You have no idea. The world’s full of obnoxious people.” Tiffany shoved the pillow out of her arms, elbowing a way onto Jessica’s lap. She gained an interest in the necklace again. Her pointer nail ran along its silver links. “Something’s on your mind.”
“Yes, there is.”
“And I take it you want to discuss it with me.”
“I think you want to discuss it, too.”
Her fingertips traveled to Jessica’s collarbone. They caressed the area as Tiffany spoke. “We’ll see about that.”
“Why didn’t you get ahold of her? You two were best friends.”
Tiffany forced a dismissive shrug. “I was mad.”
“For that many years?”
“Pride’s no joke, Jessica.” She licked her lips, voice going down a notch. “I did love her, you know. When she rejected following me to the States, I called it betrayal. I thought I meant more than that. She knew I had to go.”
“You were mad for that long?”
“No. Only a couple of weeks. Culture shock of re-acclimating to American life took my attention. School started. Made new friends. Dated around. Came out to my family...weeks turned into months. Months to years. And here I am. Late.”
“You stay in Seoul. Were you scared to visit?”
“It was too unknown. I’m a different person and I refuse to fall back on teenage puppy love. Guess I just wanted to be friends again.”
Jessica could only imagine the damage that rekindled friendship would have caused. It felt sinful to be so relieved. “You said you wanted to get to know her through me. Is that true?”
“What makes you think that wasn’t a ploy to fuck you?”
She lifted Tiffany by the chin, dark eyes honest. “You’re still here.”
Loving how the stubborn woman fought a spreading smile, Jessica’s tone softened. “Fany, I’m sorry.” She held up a finger--halting an argument. “Sorry for all the love talk. It was selfish not to consider how it’d affect you.”
“I…” Tiffany nibbled the corner of her lip. “I don’t want coffee. Feed me.”
Tiffany’s demands embodied their own brand of neediness, apparently. “Okay. I have homemade kimbap in the fridge. Would you like to share it with me?”
“Yeah, I’m famished.”
“Let’s put some clothes on, too.”
“Food tastes better while naked.”
Her saucy perusal of Jessica’s chest turned the area pink. “Maybe, but we’re going to take a quick trip. I’ll have you back here in time to catch your car.”
Groaning, Tiffany untangled the hunter green college tee from the bedsheets. Jessica didn’t put up a fuss; Tiffany looked fabulous in it. A small part of her wanted the young executive to take it home to Seoul. A memento to remind them this hadn’t been a dream.
…
“We’re here.”
Tiffany pulled her sunglasses onto her bangs, eyeing the grassy trail like sewage. “This is…?”
Jessica would find it amusing if she wasn’t grimacing herself. “The destination of our field trip.”
“I didn’t expect an actual field.”
At this, the blonde grinned. “She’d want you to see this; trust me.”
…
The air surrounding the park flowed thickly, suffocating. Jessica took careful breaths so they wouldn’t leave her lungs hampered and tense. Too soon, too soon to plunge into reality.
A soft sensation startled Jessica. Tiffany’s velvety fingers looped into hers and secured a firm grip. Jessica gave into her anxious paranoia to scan the area for onlookers. It was unheard of for women, no matter how friendly, to hold hands in public--in that town, at least. Tiffany gave no sign of letting up, so she didn’t voice her worry.
They’d barely turned on a worn path by the time Tiffany whined for a break.
“What is this, Central Fucking Park?”
"Surely, you've walked through here as a kid."
"I don't do hikes. My feet are killing me."
“We’ve been walking for ten minutes.”
“It hurts on heels.”
“Should have brought back-up shoes.” She would have offered her own, yet it seemed too coded. A shirt was enough; didn’t want to dress Tiffany head-to-toe in memories. “How about a question game to pass the time?”
“I’ll start. Why are we here?”
“It was her favorite place.”
Tiffany pursed her lips. “Of course it was.”
Familiar ledges and branches she attempted to climb swept by in their brisk walk. She squeezed Tiffany’s hand. “Ask me another, please.”
“What were you like as a teenager?”
The question came out of nowhere; Jessica responded with a trace of suspicion. “Quiet. I spent most of my days with a nose in a book.”
“God, that’s dreary.”
“I didn’t think so….favorite non-caffeinated drink?”
“Cocada. It’s this delicious Venezuelan coconut milkshake.” Tiffany cheekily licked her lips and Jessica giggled. “A restaurant near my old place in New York sold them and god, I drank one once a week. Totally addicted.”
“So, we’re both into coconut...I’ve never heard of it.”
“I should make you a glass someday.”
The air grew thicker, though not due to the ghosts. Her statement suggested they’d see each other again and Jessica hated that it sparked visceral excitement. “Aren’t you afraid of people seeing us?” She gestured towards their entwined hands.
“If they have a problem, they’re welcome to kiss my ass.”
Jessica blushed, pulling her closer. “I love strawberry Calpico, too. I…we could drink it by the bucketful.”
“That pink crap? God, that didn’t change about her.”
“Nope. Oh, look!” Jessica pointed at a rather fat red-orange squirrel splayed along the trunk of a tree. It looked unaware of their presence. “She used to call them ‘Gingerrels’.”
“Sunny would.”
The name tripped Jessica up. She blinked fright into Tiffany’s eyes, mouth losing its battle for a response.
“Let it go, Jessica. Saying Sunny’s name won’t make her any more dead.”
Tiffany’s thumbs hurried to the wetness streaming down her cheeks . “Allow yourself to fall apart sometimes, Jessi. I won’t judge you.”
“Why is S-Sunny’s death so easy for you?”
“It’s not; I’m just a bitch.” She turned back to the trail, pulling Jessica along. “Lead me to this destination before you flood the park.”
Their destination. Tears spurt out harder while she covered her mouth, stifling whimpers. “I don’t think I can go on.”
“You brought me around trees, Jessica. Trees supply nothing but allergies and nasty little critters.”
“And oxygen.”
“Pfft. Who needs that?”
…
The sweet far-off tune of children giggling let Jessica know they’d reached the end of the tour. She propped an arm onto a wooden post, absorbing Tiffany’s obvious confusion. The dark-haired woman squinted at the kids like tree-shaped diseases and begged an explanation.
“This was her favorite place in the world.”
“A playground?”
Jessica swallowed a lump, gazing through the cheerful scene meters in the distance. Fathers lifting children onto the higher structures. Mothers pushing swing-bound kids to unreachable heights. Happy families. Unhappy spectators. “After hours, when the playground was closed, Sunny and I would sneak in and let loose. Whooping and hollering like we wouldn’t get caught. We didn’t, either.”
Tiffany raised an eyebrow. That last statement had double meaning.
“Every plant and object around us--the trees, benches, walkways, flower beds--everything, I swear she’s touched. Sunny had a stressful life and this is where we could return to our carefree years. To kiss and dance in the darkness with only our flashlights and bright smiles to guide us.” The deep breath hurt less that she thought it would. “We were free without being seen."
“Jessi…” She stepped closer, eyes tinged red. “Don’t do this to yourself.”
“We had couple necklaces, Tiffany. Like teenagers or pop idols. Mine was gold and hers silver. She…Sunny…” Jessica fisted the jasper beetle. Her tiny tendons hardened.
“God, no. Jessi…” A heavy tear curved Tiffany’s jaw. “Stop.”
“Sunny was wearing this when she was killed. This was around her neck when she took her last breath. She’s gone forever, Tiffany. Oh my god, she’s gone.”
Jessica collapsed limply to the grass below, Tiffany tumbling down after her--ignoring the dirt to her heels and designer jeans--to wrap her arms around weak, heaving shoulders. Yet again, that bone-crushing hold kept the cracks from giving way. Like glue. Glue that contributed to the crying. Glue that could use a hug, too.
She buried her head into Tiffany’s chest. No trace of Tiffany’s expensive aura. Only Jessica’s bed, organic lychee shampoo, and the cozy cotton of her shirt.
Similar to a girlfriend.
Jessica wiped the thought away with the other woman’s tears. “Fany, was this too much?”
“Yes.”
“I’m sor--”
“Jessi,” Tiffany shook her head, eyes shimmering. “Fucking stop it.”
Old habits die hard. “I’ll drive us home.”
“Please. Take me away from this wretched place.”
Jessica stood, quickly presenting a hand. “I promise I won’t bring you here again.”
…
Heaviness of their episode in the park sealed their lips like a drum. Jessica spent most of the drive reflecting, grasping for anything that made sense. Pondering how and why these pieces were falling into place and whether it’d be wise to solve the puzzle.
Tiffany was a puzzle. Jessica stole glances at the woman who’d slowly morphed back into her brunch persona--unreadable, intimidating, mysterious.
Would Sunny have been a different person had the two of them worked out? What about Jessica’s role--that is, if she was even featured in their story?
Messy, messy.
Not one scenario fell in favor over the other. A lifelong affair with Sunny or fate’s cruel fashion of cutting the madness short? Pedestaled entity Tiffany or the flawed human she learned to...like? Jessica pouted, knowing that her lexicon exceeded elementary terms such as ‘like’. Obsession, lust, infatuation, frustration, respect, hate, tolerance...like. It did the best job. She liked Tiffany.
“You know I like you, right, Fany?”
Vulnerable, deer-in-headlights Tiffany Hwang showed her face for a fleeting moment until her pseudo-confidence shut it down. The woman smirked her haughty smirk.
“Concentrate on the road.”
…
Jessica’d been reduced to simply watching Tiffany nose around her bedroom as they awaited the car service. Once Tiffany departed, she’d be left behind with the ghosts.
“What’s one of your biggest regrets?”
Tiffany shut the lid of a jewelry box. “This game’s still going?”
“Biggest regret. Go.”
“Hm,” She bit at her lip. “Marriage.”
“Marriage or the divorce?”
“Same thing, in my eyes.”
Jessica nodded slowly at the statement, allowing it to marinate. “Every good part of you and Bora’s relationship is summed up by an unhappy ending?”
“What’s your biggest?”
“Cheating behind Sungmin’s back,” the blonde answered with utmost conviction.
“He’s an ass.”
“He’s a good man.”
Tiffany appeared less than convinced. “So, are you like, an actual poet?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Is that your livelihood?”
“Yes.”
Jessica frowned as Tiffany barely covered a snort. “Do you find that amusing?”
“So like,” Tiffany waved at fake tears, tone dubious, “do you have a book?”
“I’ve published two.”
“Who the fuck buys poetry books nowadays?”
She faced Tiffany toe-to-toe, offended yet oddly entertained. “Classy fucking people, that’s who!”
And when Tiffany broke her façade--shattering tension with every hearty shriek--Jessica joined her. Ms. Calm-and-Cold had a laugh that could set off car alarms. A full-fledged chortle at her expense.
“So that’s funny, you bitch?”
“God, you’re a poet, Jessi. A poet. Christ.” She latched onto Jessica’s shoulders while she struggled for air. “And people buy your books. With...with money.”
Her expression glowed red and she tamped down a smile. Jessica opened her mouth to take a jab at basic corporate day-to-day, but got distracted by the woman’s happy mood. She tried honesty instead. “You’re breathtaking when your smile reaches your eyes.”
Tiffany kept her arms wrapped around Jessica’s neck. A lazy hand threaded through pale strands. “What am I to you, Jessi?”
Jessica shook her head at that. “I demand your phone number.”
“Why?”
“You’re too complex to figure out in a day. Let me learn all your sides.”
“Even my ugly ones?”
“They get uglier?”
“Touché.” Tiffany hung onto Jessica as she turned to grab what she thought would be her phone. Instead, the dark-haired woman plucked a teal brush tip pen from the top of a dresser. “Remember doing this?” she mused aloud, leading Jessica in by an arm.
“In the olden days before cell phones?”
“Yeah, we--” Tiffany’s voice caught, taking in the fine lines scraped along Jessica’s palm. She could read the glass incident playing through her head. Fluttering her eyelashes closed, Tiffany planted a soft kiss directly in the center. Where the natural creases and the shallow cuts met.
Tiffany certainly was lovable.
God, was she lovable.
“We used to write our information much more intimately.” She scribbled numbers along the skin of Jessica’s wrist. “I miss that.”
“Do you dwell on youth often?”
“Coming back here, I can’t help it.” The pen found its way into Jessica’s hand as Tiffany displayed a worthy strip of skin. “When will you return to Seoul?”
Teal numbers gleamed perfectly on Tiffany’s flesh. “In a week. I have to be here for Mi-Kyung.”
“The rest of Sunny’s family should take care of that.”
“Fany, don’t. Don’t start.”
“I won’t. I’ve made my point clear.”
Jessica pulled a sleeve of her green t-shirt. “Are you keeping this?”
“It’s too comfy to give up--not Princeton Orange, but it’ll do.”
“Have it; it’s yours.”
“Good.” Their gazes matched, automatically putting grins on both their faces. “Jessi, what are we doing?”
“What we want?”
“You’re learning.”
Jessica moved in closer, craving one more taste of Tiffany’s tongue. Tiffany caught her drift and parted her lips. Ultimately, they were interrupted by the iPhone’s piercing ringer.
“Save this for next time?” the woman asked, relaying her attention to the driver over the line.
…
Jessica escorted Tiffany to the double doors outside her apartment building. College kids were huddled near the entrance, more than likely hyped hit up a club or movie theatre for the night. She smiled politely at a few recognizable faces.
She and Sunny were carefree like this at one point. Nostalgia echoed from every fresh face.
“Until next time,” Tiffany murmured into her hair as they hugged.
It lasted a little long for comfort; Jessica could practically feel curious glances tickling her back. She shook off the embrace, crossing her arms with embarrassing timidity. “Um, bye.”
Understanding shone in Tiffany’s eyes. Disappointment, too.
In spite of the warmth of the evening, Jessica cradled herself tighter, watching Tiffany disappear behind the tinted window. This was it. She’d be alone yet again.
Maybe the foundation of whatever they had was shaky, undependable. Had Sunny not been killed, life would go on status quo. God, why couldn’t there have been an all-positive solution? One that didn’t tear Sunny from the tattered half of her heart, yet, still kept Tiffany. That went beyond belief.
Sunny died and left behind a legacy of unanswered questions and an unhealthy, years-long grudge. Her first love, with her infectious smile and otherworldly appearance, abandoned Earth before Jessica had a chance to do something about their issues.
She wouldn’t let that happen again.
“Fany, Fany!” she shouted, dashing after the black car that’d vacated the curb.
She didn’t know what exactly this would lead to or even if Tiffany was all the things Sungmin asserted in his most caustic rantings. That’s the thing--she didn’t know anything. So, she had to take action while that maybe-special someone was still within arm’s-length.
Jessica continued to shout Tiffany’s name, slapping the opaque glass once the car slowed to a rolling stop. She gestured for the woman to lower her window. By the time it made its full descent, Jessica knew what she had to do. Wanted to do.
“Holy shit, what the hell are--”
Jessica left no room to breathe as she shoved her upper half into the window, clutching Tiffany by her hair, maneuvering their lips into delicious alignment. Lips softer than she remembered. Tongue flexible and divinely modeled for the inside of her mouth. Tiffany fisted a handful of golden locks, hooking a hand at Jessica’s neck.
They kissed hard and passionately. Loudly. She’d never kissed anyone this brazenly in public, never mind a woman. Though, said woman paid no mind to onlookers--even her driver, as she panted hot moans down the depths of Jessica’s open throat.
“Come with me, Jessi.” Tiffany delivered an uncoordinated lick over her chin. “Get in this car and come home with me. I’ll make love to you again.”
Jessica sank her teeth into a plush lip. “No. Just don’t leave. I want you here.”
“Baby, I can’t stay.”
“And I can’t go.”
Their kisses pushed for dominance, making their arguments through sighs and wet sucks. Privy to the driver's pointed cough, Jessica conceded. “Middle ground, Tiffany.”
“Being?”
“A week. I’ll see you in a week. Don’t forget me.”
Tiffany yanked her by the collar for a moist peck against slick lips. “Impossible.”
“Have a safe ride, Fany. Please.”
“I’ll text you.”
On this high, Jessica felt indestructible.
She wanted more than anything to runway walk through that throng of shocked small-town youngins who’d probably never met an openly gay person. Yet, she had bigger tasks at hand. She retrieved the keys from her pocket, trotting over to her car.
…
White looked wrong on Sunny.
Vibrant colors suited her better--pink matched her rosiness, teal made her hair glow, purple expressed her energy, yellow put a twinkle in her eye.
White. Colorless, conventionally pure white.
On Sunny’s wedding day, Jessica had to endure countless attendants go on about how “Sunny’s the perfect blushing bride” in that dress. She distracted herself with floral arrangements. Though, she would have killed to tell them off. Didn’t they see how dull Sunny appeared? How any hue on the goddamned planet would compliment her radiance?
Not white. Spotless, sterile, straight white.
They’d had sex that morning. Quite a gamble. She showed up at Mi-Kyung’s house around six in the morning, binder concerning flower duty tucked beneath her underarm. Sunny’s mother welcomed her in and pointed the blonde to the guest room. That’s where they kept various wedding favors and the dress. She hated seeing it--and she had to view that silken mockery countless times prior to the big day. Fittings, tailoring, try-ons for sickeningly impatient family members….Jessica had become acquainted with every immaculate stitch.
Sunny was already in the room. Sitting on her haunches, face tucked within her palms. Jessica closed the door, hellbent on consoling her friend and lover. Once she grazed Sunny’s back, thumbing ribs--she’d lost so much weight--she was dragged down for a rough kiss. Bruising and territorial, savage. Jessica mewled for them to wait; Sunny didn’t--couldn’t listen.
“Don’t stop loving me,” she whispered with startlingly unfamiliar grit.
Before she could point out the absurdity of the plea, Sunny undid the button and zipper of her pants, eyes wet with desperation. Jessica presented her hand feebly: a signal of, “do whatever you want; you know I’ll be here.”
She seized the hand and slid it into her pants. Onto the heat of her clit.
They had no idea how this affair would pan out. Whether Sunny would be faithful to her husband or if they’d keep their secret going. So, Jessica expressed loyalty with her fingers. Then, her mouth as they made space on the guest bed, pushing aside tulle, jordan almond packets, unused rolls of fabric. Sunny spread wide for her, wantonly begging for the stormiest fuck they ever had.
Sungmin hoped he’d marry a virgin.
She remembered smirking at the thought as she laid ownership of every petaled crevice between her love’s legs.
“Are you eating?”
Jessica reacted to Sungmin’s voice with a start. She lowered a framed photograph of Sunny on that fateful day. Smile sparkling, every bit of white silk in pristine order. “I ate today.”
“You’re all bones. Eat more,” he chided, handing over a steaming mug of green tea.
Sungmin. Always caring; her “older brother”.
She had been unforgivingly selfish...to Sungmin. Jessica smiled and took an uncommitted sip. It was to time to get this over and done.
“Sungie, have you been sleeping?”
The man--who once prided himself for his youthful features--considerably aged since the accident. Ashen eyebags became a permanent fixture and unfortunate lines sank into the corners of his lips. In the right light, Jessica swore she spotted silver hairs peeking from his mussy mop-top.
Sungmin peered at a wall clock, as if counting the hours. “I get an hour nap every so often.”
“You’re killing yourself.”
He scoffed, slouching deeper into his armchair. “Broken heart syndrome.”
Jessica couldn’t make herself sit. “I hear ya.”
“I pray you’ll never experience this hollow feeling, Jessica.”
Jessica paced to the open window. Darkness. Too many trees blocked the sky from that angle. One of her many jealous grievances when they bought their home. “Hollow’s a good word for it.”
“Yeah. You and Sunny were attached at the hip.”
“Mm.”
“Whatever happened to,” Sungmin snapped weakly, face scrunched with recollection. “Changmin. Shim Changmin. Your date for the Christmas benefit last year? He was a handsome guy.”
And gay. He thought Sungmin was handsome, too. “Didn’t work out. We were looking for different things.”
“Shame. You shouldn’t deal with the death of your friend alone.”
“I’m not--” Alone. Tiffany came to mind. “suffering. As much. Don’t worry about me.”
“You’re 27 and content with being single? People will talk.”
“They’re already talking, aren’t they?”
Sungmin smacked his teeth in agreement. “Careers are fine and dandy, but deep down, every woman wants someone to protect her and there’s stable men who’d provide for you.”
Jessica placed the full teacup onto a table or else she’d scald her wavering hands. “Sungie, you don’t know what I want deep down.”
“I’m afraid to ask.”
Their eyes met. She couldn’t recall them ever being so candid with one another. “Ask away, what do you have to lose?”
“My sanity. And trust.”
Trust. Jessica steadied herself on the table’s edge. “Those are important.”
“Whose number is that? On your arm.”
His dead tone suggested the worst. She wet her lips. “Tiffany’s.”
“Ti-Tiffa--” His tousled fringe shook with disbelief. “Mi-Kyung told me you drove her home. Why would you do that? After what she’s put me through...”
“Fa--Tiffany did nothing. It was all Sunny and you know it.”
“Speak ill of the dead in my house again and I will direct you to the door.”
“I’m only speaking the truth.”
“Whose truth? Tiffany Hwang’s?! You bought into her deception?”
Jessica swallowed a brick of anger, knowing that lashing out would help no-one. “How can you say that? You’ve barely talked.”
“That treacherous woman took Sunny down a path she didn’t want. She--”
“How do you know she didn’t want it?”
“Because it’s wrong, Jessica. Wrong.”
The blonde’s throat heated at that condescending, almost parental declaration. “You want the truth, well here it is. Sunny let it be known clearly that Tiffany owned her heart first. I doubted it as much as you, but that’s what came out of her mouth and I’ll be damned to deny it now.”
“She’s poisoned your mind.”
“What more blame are you going to give a total stranger, Sungmin? God, grow up.”
The man hastened into his slippers, charging deadset towards Jessica until they bumped arms. “Mi-Kyung warned me yesterday….all these crazy stories and I didn’t listen. No, not my little sister. We’re close, Jessica. I fucking love you, but I swear to god...don’t prove to be just as underhanded as that lesbian bitch.”
His eyes were running as much as hers at that point. Jessica flexed her chin, confidence draining at inhuman speeds. “Don’t take your anger out on me. Or her.”
“Why shouldn’t I?”
“It’s not her fault.”
“What about yours?”
Gutted, Jessica only stuttered.
“Did you and her…” He waved a hand, too disgusted to speak the words.
Her? Which her? Jessica stepped backward, catching a breath. “I loved her, too, Sungie.”
“I’m such a fool!” Sungmin slammed a fist to the table, sending hot tea flying. “How could you, Jessica?”
“I’m sorry, I--”
“Sorry’s not gonna cut it! You--we--you smiled in my face for years and kept a knife in my back. I considered you my friend. I fought for you to speak at her funeral and...”
Jessica swiped an arm across her damp eyes. The tears pricked her like needles.
“I defended you against Sunny’s goddamned mother. Do you know how fucking stupid I feel right now? I thought she loved me.”
“She-she--” Did Sunny love Sungmin? “I don’t know what to say.”
“No wonder you went to Tiffany’s defense. You’re one in the same. You deserve each other.”
“I only wanted what was best for Sunny.”
“And I’m collateral damage, huh?” Sungmin deflated into his chair, thin lips curls in a snarl. “Get out of my sight. Women like you sicken me. Fucking unnatural.”
Jessica reached the front door--ready to leave behind this aching, guilt-driven past and a man she’d grown to admire as well as envy--when Sungmin’s last utterance froze her mid-stride.
“Our wedding day. Did you?”
“...that morning. In her mother’s guest room.”
“Stay away from our family.”
Our family. Something Jessica could never claim. “Bye, Sungmin.”
…
Loss of two support systems: a fuming, heartbroken “brother” and a mother figure, who apparently had her suspicions longer than she’d wish to know...
Why did telling the truth hurt so badly?
Jessica fell face-first into her bed, having no idea how she got home in one piece. She groped at the beetle charm, grasping for any iota of remaining strength. Links to her heart coiled around her aimless fingers.
Sunny.
Her brainy, side-splitting, fire-juggling Lee Sunkyu.
That side of the bed used to be Sunny’s. The same one warmed by Tiffany’s body not too long ago. Did that make her a whore? A treacherous woman, as Sungmin put it.
A lesbian bitch.
Jessica Jung hadn’t pictured a happy ending for them--Sunny, herself, and Sungmin. Only undoable lies and restlessness. Happy moments--no matter how beautiful--retained the faintest of rainclouds overhead. Full satisfaction under hostage of careful words or averted glances. Nary a peace of mind.
Her phone rattled next to her head. She knew who it’d be.
And despite the soaked circle of comforter beneath her sodden cheek, she smiled.
Jessica sat cross-legged on the bed, rummaging through her nightstand drawer as she came up with non-depressing responses to the text: +U Ok?
No, she wasn’t okay. But she could be, someday.
She typed up a reply. Then, with cotton rounds and the bitter scent of remover permeating the air, she quietly purged her nails of Sirena blue.
A/N: LOOK! A REVEAL. Omg y’all are really good at reading me. >.< I still don’t find her identity important, though having a name changes the flow of the story. Last Update on Tiffany's Birthday. :33
Pairing(s): JeTi
Rating/Genre: R; AU Angsty Romance
Warning(s): Language; sexual themes
Disclaimer: I don't own Soshi. I don't own anyone, in fact. All Fiction.
Chap. Summary: Jessica faces her problems and brings Tiffany along for the ride.
Author's Notes: It's almost over, y'all. This chapter's written a bit different than the others, but it should still flow with the story. A longer chapter this time. ^^Part Five: Jessica
--
The clock turned to 3:05pm under Jessica’s alert vigil. She’d been awake for about an hour at that point, listening to Tiffany’s light breathing and her own inner voice.
She said it.
“I love you.”
Admittedly, she didn’t have much experience in shallow sexcapades. As much as she’d like to shrug off the other woman’s raspy, coital confession with all the coolness of an empowered feminist, it wouldn’t happen. Not in her nature.
What would she think about all this? Jessica’s stomach turned.
Her apartment was full of ghosts. Past’s reflections of smiling, crying, laughing, arguing, hiding…
Jessica couldn’t name her current feeling. Some wretched creature between ‘guilt’ and ‘tranquility’. Did she invent this novel state of mind? Surely, someone’s had to experience it before.
She expressed her love while they were in college. Jessica recalled dog-earing her published piece in the University’s creative writing anthology--a page-long poem about new beginnings. With the hint of a tear in her eye, she read the lines silently. Twice, in fact. Then, she faced her, beaming with so much joy those cheeks could rival a sunrise. “I love you, too, Jessi.”
That’s all it took. The last straw to break the barrier into complete devotion. Jessica, from then on, belonged to her.
Not anymore.
Who did she belong to now?
Jessica eyed the bedroom; every ghost manifested itself in picture frames, furniture, pieces of clothing, and...Tiffany.
As if she sensed the perusal, the dark-haired woman groaned into the mattress, eyebrows curved and lips trembling. Probably having a dream.
That's what the present resembled with Tiffany in her bed. A dream.
Maybe she didn’t know better, after all.
She toyed with the jasper beetle while she watched Tiffany sleep. The pillow taking Jessica’s tightly-gripped place could burst into a feathery explosion at any given time. Jessica wondered if Tiffany had always clung onto people and things with ferocity. An insecure layer her subconscious betrayed.
Her lover had to die in order for this ghost to show up. Twisted.
“Are you real?” she repeated.
Slim fingers twisted into the necklace chain. If she were to ‘wear her fears around her neck’, given the circumstances, how would the charm be fashioned?
Insects still scared Jessica.
Facing Sungmin and Mi-Kyung frightened her more. So did the thought of actually moving on. To leave cherished memories in the past. To not hoard every single object that reminded her of love’s past. To find love again.
Jessica pulled a lock of dark hair from Tiffany’s forehead, wishing to press her lips onto the soft skin. Instead, she grazed it with the back of her hand.
Tiffany, standing 20-feet tall in her heels, restlessly avoiding eye contact with any of the other funeral goers. Exuding every air of haughtiness. Bitchiness. Showing minimal facial expressions until she hugged Mi-Kyung and hovered over her casket. Seeing raw emotion from the Tiffany Hwang tarnished every facet of her headcanon. Powerful, impenetrable, too-big-to-fail girlfriend of the past had her own vulnerabilities. Troubles beyond what she could only imagine. She’d lived a full life, without a doubt.
Allowing her to utter those three words...
This wasn’t fair to Tiffany. She’d been through heartbreak of her own.
Taking...whatever one would call their relations...to the level of using ‘love’ had little regard for Tiffany’s feelings. The taboo of the situation was invigorating, explosive. And now that they’d connected on a physical plane, Jessica yearned for more. To give a part of herself. Tiffany seemed too prideful to accept help willingly, but it’d be worth a try.
“Fany.” Jessica stroked raven silkness as she whispered. “Wake up, sleepyhead.”
The woman mumbled above the pillow, pushing her head further into Jessica’s touch.
“Are you that tired?”
“Tribbing you wore me out.”
Jessica blushed. Tiffany seriously had no filter. “It’d be a shame for you to sleep the day away.”
“Time?”
“Twenty after three.”
“Give me coffee. Caffeinated coffee.”
When a beat passed without a ‘just kidding’, Jessica threw her head back and laughed. Tiffany looked shaken by the reaction. “Making commands in my home, Fany? You’re a piece of work.”
She simply stared, the tiniest smirk etched upon her lips. “Your laugh is pleasant.”
“Do you encounter many unpleasant laughs?”
“You have no idea. The world’s full of obnoxious people.” Tiffany shoved the pillow out of her arms, elbowing a way onto Jessica’s lap. She gained an interest in the necklace again. Her pointer nail ran along its silver links. “Something’s on your mind.”
“Yes, there is.”
“And I take it you want to discuss it with me.”
“I think you want to discuss it, too.”
Her fingertips traveled to Jessica’s collarbone. They caressed the area as Tiffany spoke. “We’ll see about that.”
“Why didn’t you get ahold of her? You two were best friends.”
Tiffany forced a dismissive shrug. “I was mad.”
“For that many years?”
“Pride’s no joke, Jessica.” She licked her lips, voice going down a notch. “I did love her, you know. When she rejected following me to the States, I called it betrayal. I thought I meant more than that. She knew I had to go.”
“You were mad for that long?”
“No. Only a couple of weeks. Culture shock of re-acclimating to American life took my attention. School started. Made new friends. Dated around. Came out to my family...weeks turned into months. Months to years. And here I am. Late.”
“You stay in Seoul. Were you scared to visit?”
“It was too unknown. I’m a different person and I refuse to fall back on teenage puppy love. Guess I just wanted to be friends again.”
Jessica could only imagine the damage that rekindled friendship would have caused. It felt sinful to be so relieved. “You said you wanted to get to know her through me. Is that true?”
“What makes you think that wasn’t a ploy to fuck you?”
She lifted Tiffany by the chin, dark eyes honest. “You’re still here.”
Loving how the stubborn woman fought a spreading smile, Jessica’s tone softened. “Fany, I’m sorry.” She held up a finger--halting an argument. “Sorry for all the love talk. It was selfish not to consider how it’d affect you.”
“I…” Tiffany nibbled the corner of her lip. “I don’t want coffee. Feed me.”
Tiffany’s demands embodied their own brand of neediness, apparently. “Okay. I have homemade kimbap in the fridge. Would you like to share it with me?”
“Yeah, I’m famished.”
“Let’s put some clothes on, too.”
“Food tastes better while naked.”
Her saucy perusal of Jessica’s chest turned the area pink. “Maybe, but we’re going to take a quick trip. I’ll have you back here in time to catch your car.”
Groaning, Tiffany untangled the hunter green college tee from the bedsheets. Jessica didn’t put up a fuss; Tiffany looked fabulous in it. A small part of her wanted the young executive to take it home to Seoul. A memento to remind them this hadn’t been a dream.
…
“We’re here.”
Tiffany pulled her sunglasses onto her bangs, eyeing the grassy trail like sewage. “This is…?”
Jessica would find it amusing if she wasn’t grimacing herself. “The destination of our field trip.”
“I didn’t expect an actual field.”
At this, the blonde grinned. “She’d want you to see this; trust me.”
…
The air surrounding the park flowed thickly, suffocating. Jessica took careful breaths so they wouldn’t leave her lungs hampered and tense. Too soon, too soon to plunge into reality.
A soft sensation startled Jessica. Tiffany’s velvety fingers looped into hers and secured a firm grip. Jessica gave into her anxious paranoia to scan the area for onlookers. It was unheard of for women, no matter how friendly, to hold hands in public--in that town, at least. Tiffany gave no sign of letting up, so she didn’t voice her worry.
They’d barely turned on a worn path by the time Tiffany whined for a break.
“What is this, Central Fucking Park?”
"Surely, you've walked through here as a kid."
"I don't do hikes. My feet are killing me."
“We’ve been walking for ten minutes.”
“It hurts on heels.”
“Should have brought back-up shoes.” She would have offered her own, yet it seemed too coded. A shirt was enough; didn’t want to dress Tiffany head-to-toe in memories. “How about a question game to pass the time?”
“I’ll start. Why are we here?”
“It was her favorite place.”
Tiffany pursed her lips. “Of course it was.”
Familiar ledges and branches she attempted to climb swept by in their brisk walk. She squeezed Tiffany’s hand. “Ask me another, please.”
“What were you like as a teenager?”
The question came out of nowhere; Jessica responded with a trace of suspicion. “Quiet. I spent most of my days with a nose in a book.”
“God, that’s dreary.”
“I didn’t think so….favorite non-caffeinated drink?”
“Cocada. It’s this delicious Venezuelan coconut milkshake.” Tiffany cheekily licked her lips and Jessica giggled. “A restaurant near my old place in New York sold them and god, I drank one once a week. Totally addicted.”
“So, we’re both into coconut...I’ve never heard of it.”
“I should make you a glass someday.”
The air grew thicker, though not due to the ghosts. Her statement suggested they’d see each other again and Jessica hated that it sparked visceral excitement. “Aren’t you afraid of people seeing us?” She gestured towards their entwined hands.
“If they have a problem, they’re welcome to kiss my ass.”
Jessica blushed, pulling her closer. “I love strawberry Calpico, too. I…we could drink it by the bucketful.”
“That pink crap? God, that didn’t change about her.”
“Nope. Oh, look!” Jessica pointed at a rather fat red-orange squirrel splayed along the trunk of a tree. It looked unaware of their presence. “She used to call them ‘Gingerrels’.”
“Sunny would.”
The name tripped Jessica up. She blinked fright into Tiffany’s eyes, mouth losing its battle for a response.
“Let it go, Jessica. Saying Sunny’s name won’t make her any more dead.”
Tiffany’s thumbs hurried to the wetness streaming down her cheeks . “Allow yourself to fall apart sometimes, Jessi. I won’t judge you.”
“Why is S-Sunny’s death so easy for you?”
“It’s not; I’m just a bitch.” She turned back to the trail, pulling Jessica along. “Lead me to this destination before you flood the park.”
Their destination. Tears spurt out harder while she covered her mouth, stifling whimpers. “I don’t think I can go on.”
“You brought me around trees, Jessica. Trees supply nothing but allergies and nasty little critters.”
“And oxygen.”
“Pfft. Who needs that?”
…
The sweet far-off tune of children giggling let Jessica know they’d reached the end of the tour. She propped an arm onto a wooden post, absorbing Tiffany’s obvious confusion. The dark-haired woman squinted at the kids like tree-shaped diseases and begged an explanation.
“This was her favorite place in the world.”
“A playground?”
Jessica swallowed a lump, gazing through the cheerful scene meters in the distance. Fathers lifting children onto the higher structures. Mothers pushing swing-bound kids to unreachable heights. Happy families. Unhappy spectators. “After hours, when the playground was closed, Sunny and I would sneak in and let loose. Whooping and hollering like we wouldn’t get caught. We didn’t, either.”
Tiffany raised an eyebrow. That last statement had double meaning.
“Every plant and object around us--the trees, benches, walkways, flower beds--everything, I swear she’s touched. Sunny had a stressful life and this is where we could return to our carefree years. To kiss and dance in the darkness with only our flashlights and bright smiles to guide us.” The deep breath hurt less that she thought it would. “We were free without being seen."
“Jessi…” She stepped closer, eyes tinged red. “Don’t do this to yourself.”
“We had couple necklaces, Tiffany. Like teenagers or pop idols. Mine was gold and hers silver. She…Sunny…” Jessica fisted the jasper beetle. Her tiny tendons hardened.
“God, no. Jessi…” A heavy tear curved Tiffany’s jaw. “Stop.”
“Sunny was wearing this when she was killed. This was around her neck when she took her last breath. She’s gone forever, Tiffany. Oh my god, she’s gone.”
Jessica collapsed limply to the grass below, Tiffany tumbling down after her--ignoring the dirt to her heels and designer jeans--to wrap her arms around weak, heaving shoulders. Yet again, that bone-crushing hold kept the cracks from giving way. Like glue. Glue that contributed to the crying. Glue that could use a hug, too.
She buried her head into Tiffany’s chest. No trace of Tiffany’s expensive aura. Only Jessica’s bed, organic lychee shampoo, and the cozy cotton of her shirt.
Similar to a girlfriend.
Jessica wiped the thought away with the other woman’s tears. “Fany, was this too much?”
“Yes.”
“I’m sor--”
“Jessi,” Tiffany shook her head, eyes shimmering. “Fucking stop it.”
Old habits die hard. “I’ll drive us home.”
“Please. Take me away from this wretched place.”
Jessica stood, quickly presenting a hand. “I promise I won’t bring you here again.”
…
Heaviness of their episode in the park sealed their lips like a drum. Jessica spent most of the drive reflecting, grasping for anything that made sense. Pondering how and why these pieces were falling into place and whether it’d be wise to solve the puzzle.
Tiffany was a puzzle. Jessica stole glances at the woman who’d slowly morphed back into her brunch persona--unreadable, intimidating, mysterious.
Would Sunny have been a different person had the two of them worked out? What about Jessica’s role--that is, if she was even featured in their story?
Messy, messy.
Not one scenario fell in favor over the other. A lifelong affair with Sunny or fate’s cruel fashion of cutting the madness short? Pedestaled entity Tiffany or the flawed human she learned to...like? Jessica pouted, knowing that her lexicon exceeded elementary terms such as ‘like’. Obsession, lust, infatuation, frustration, respect, hate, tolerance...like. It did the best job. She liked Tiffany.
“You know I like you, right, Fany?”
Vulnerable, deer-in-headlights Tiffany Hwang showed her face for a fleeting moment until her pseudo-confidence shut it down. The woman smirked her haughty smirk.
“Concentrate on the road.”
…
Jessica’d been reduced to simply watching Tiffany nose around her bedroom as they awaited the car service. Once Tiffany departed, she’d be left behind with the ghosts.
“What’s one of your biggest regrets?”
Tiffany shut the lid of a jewelry box. “This game’s still going?”
“Biggest regret. Go.”
“Hm,” She bit at her lip. “Marriage.”
“Marriage or the divorce?”
“Same thing, in my eyes.”
Jessica nodded slowly at the statement, allowing it to marinate. “Every good part of you and Bora’s relationship is summed up by an unhappy ending?”
“What’s your biggest?”
“Cheating behind Sungmin’s back,” the blonde answered with utmost conviction.
“He’s an ass.”
“He’s a good man.”
Tiffany appeared less than convinced. “So, are you like, an actual poet?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Is that your livelihood?”
“Yes.”
Jessica frowned as Tiffany barely covered a snort. “Do you find that amusing?”
“So like,” Tiffany waved at fake tears, tone dubious, “do you have a book?”
“I’ve published two.”
“Who the fuck buys poetry books nowadays?”
She faced Tiffany toe-to-toe, offended yet oddly entertained. “Classy fucking people, that’s who!”
And when Tiffany broke her façade--shattering tension with every hearty shriek--Jessica joined her. Ms. Calm-and-Cold had a laugh that could set off car alarms. A full-fledged chortle at her expense.
“So that’s funny, you bitch?”
“God, you’re a poet, Jessi. A poet. Christ.” She latched onto Jessica’s shoulders while she struggled for air. “And people buy your books. With...with money.”
Her expression glowed red and she tamped down a smile. Jessica opened her mouth to take a jab at basic corporate day-to-day, but got distracted by the woman’s happy mood. She tried honesty instead. “You’re breathtaking when your smile reaches your eyes.”
Tiffany kept her arms wrapped around Jessica’s neck. A lazy hand threaded through pale strands. “What am I to you, Jessi?”
Jessica shook her head at that. “I demand your phone number.”
“Why?”
“You’re too complex to figure out in a day. Let me learn all your sides.”
“Even my ugly ones?”
“They get uglier?”
“Touché.” Tiffany hung onto Jessica as she turned to grab what she thought would be her phone. Instead, the dark-haired woman plucked a teal brush tip pen from the top of a dresser. “Remember doing this?” she mused aloud, leading Jessica in by an arm.
“In the olden days before cell phones?”
“Yeah, we--” Tiffany’s voice caught, taking in the fine lines scraped along Jessica’s palm. She could read the glass incident playing through her head. Fluttering her eyelashes closed, Tiffany planted a soft kiss directly in the center. Where the natural creases and the shallow cuts met.
Tiffany certainly was lovable.
God, was she lovable.
“We used to write our information much more intimately.” She scribbled numbers along the skin of Jessica’s wrist. “I miss that.”
“Do you dwell on youth often?”
“Coming back here, I can’t help it.” The pen found its way into Jessica’s hand as Tiffany displayed a worthy strip of skin. “When will you return to Seoul?”
Teal numbers gleamed perfectly on Tiffany’s flesh. “In a week. I have to be here for Mi-Kyung.”
“The rest of Sunny’s family should take care of that.”
“Fany, don’t. Don’t start.”
“I won’t. I’ve made my point clear.”
Jessica pulled a sleeve of her green t-shirt. “Are you keeping this?”
“It’s too comfy to give up--not Princeton Orange, but it’ll do.”
“Have it; it’s yours.”
“Good.” Their gazes matched, automatically putting grins on both their faces. “Jessi, what are we doing?”
“What we want?”
“You’re learning.”
Jessica moved in closer, craving one more taste of Tiffany’s tongue. Tiffany caught her drift and parted her lips. Ultimately, they were interrupted by the iPhone’s piercing ringer.
“Save this for next time?” the woman asked, relaying her attention to the driver over the line.
…
Jessica escorted Tiffany to the double doors outside her apartment building. College kids were huddled near the entrance, more than likely hyped hit up a club or movie theatre for the night. She smiled politely at a few recognizable faces.
She and Sunny were carefree like this at one point. Nostalgia echoed from every fresh face.
“Until next time,” Tiffany murmured into her hair as they hugged.
It lasted a little long for comfort; Jessica could practically feel curious glances tickling her back. She shook off the embrace, crossing her arms with embarrassing timidity. “Um, bye.”
Understanding shone in Tiffany’s eyes. Disappointment, too.
In spite of the warmth of the evening, Jessica cradled herself tighter, watching Tiffany disappear behind the tinted window. This was it. She’d be alone yet again.
Maybe the foundation of whatever they had was shaky, undependable. Had Sunny not been killed, life would go on status quo. God, why couldn’t there have been an all-positive solution? One that didn’t tear Sunny from the tattered half of her heart, yet, still kept Tiffany. That went beyond belief.
Sunny died and left behind a legacy of unanswered questions and an unhealthy, years-long grudge. Her first love, with her infectious smile and otherworldly appearance, abandoned Earth before Jessica had a chance to do something about their issues.
She wouldn’t let that happen again.
“Fany, Fany!” she shouted, dashing after the black car that’d vacated the curb.
She didn’t know what exactly this would lead to or even if Tiffany was all the things Sungmin asserted in his most caustic rantings. That’s the thing--she didn’t know anything. So, she had to take action while that maybe-special someone was still within arm’s-length.
Jessica continued to shout Tiffany’s name, slapping the opaque glass once the car slowed to a rolling stop. She gestured for the woman to lower her window. By the time it made its full descent, Jessica knew what she had to do. Wanted to do.
“Holy shit, what the hell are--”
Jessica left no room to breathe as she shoved her upper half into the window, clutching Tiffany by her hair, maneuvering their lips into delicious alignment. Lips softer than she remembered. Tongue flexible and divinely modeled for the inside of her mouth. Tiffany fisted a handful of golden locks, hooking a hand at Jessica’s neck.
They kissed hard and passionately. Loudly. She’d never kissed anyone this brazenly in public, never mind a woman. Though, said woman paid no mind to onlookers--even her driver, as she panted hot moans down the depths of Jessica’s open throat.
“Come with me, Jessi.” Tiffany delivered an uncoordinated lick over her chin. “Get in this car and come home with me. I’ll make love to you again.”
Jessica sank her teeth into a plush lip. “No. Just don’t leave. I want you here.”
“Baby, I can’t stay.”
“And I can’t go.”
Their kisses pushed for dominance, making their arguments through sighs and wet sucks. Privy to the driver's pointed cough, Jessica conceded. “Middle ground, Tiffany.”
“Being?”
“A week. I’ll see you in a week. Don’t forget me.”
Tiffany yanked her by the collar for a moist peck against slick lips. “Impossible.”
“Have a safe ride, Fany. Please.”
“I’ll text you.”
On this high, Jessica felt indestructible.
She wanted more than anything to runway walk through that throng of shocked small-town youngins who’d probably never met an openly gay person. Yet, she had bigger tasks at hand. She retrieved the keys from her pocket, trotting over to her car.
…
White looked wrong on Sunny.
Vibrant colors suited her better--pink matched her rosiness, teal made her hair glow, purple expressed her energy, yellow put a twinkle in her eye.
White. Colorless, conventionally pure white.
On Sunny’s wedding day, Jessica had to endure countless attendants go on about how “Sunny’s the perfect blushing bride” in that dress. She distracted herself with floral arrangements. Though, she would have killed to tell them off. Didn’t they see how dull Sunny appeared? How any hue on the goddamned planet would compliment her radiance?
Not white. Spotless, sterile, straight white.
They’d had sex that morning. Quite a gamble. She showed up at Mi-Kyung’s house around six in the morning, binder concerning flower duty tucked beneath her underarm. Sunny’s mother welcomed her in and pointed the blonde to the guest room. That’s where they kept various wedding favors and the dress. She hated seeing it--and she had to view that silken mockery countless times prior to the big day. Fittings, tailoring, try-ons for sickeningly impatient family members….Jessica had become acquainted with every immaculate stitch.
Sunny was already in the room. Sitting on her haunches, face tucked within her palms. Jessica closed the door, hellbent on consoling her friend and lover. Once she grazed Sunny’s back, thumbing ribs--she’d lost so much weight--she was dragged down for a rough kiss. Bruising and territorial, savage. Jessica mewled for them to wait; Sunny didn’t--couldn’t listen.
“Don’t stop loving me,” she whispered with startlingly unfamiliar grit.
Before she could point out the absurdity of the plea, Sunny undid the button and zipper of her pants, eyes wet with desperation. Jessica presented her hand feebly: a signal of, “do whatever you want; you know I’ll be here.”
She seized the hand and slid it into her pants. Onto the heat of her clit.
They had no idea how this affair would pan out. Whether Sunny would be faithful to her husband or if they’d keep their secret going. So, Jessica expressed loyalty with her fingers. Then, her mouth as they made space on the guest bed, pushing aside tulle, jordan almond packets, unused rolls of fabric. Sunny spread wide for her, wantonly begging for the stormiest fuck they ever had.
Sungmin hoped he’d marry a virgin.
She remembered smirking at the thought as she laid ownership of every petaled crevice between her love’s legs.
“Are you eating?”
Jessica reacted to Sungmin’s voice with a start. She lowered a framed photograph of Sunny on that fateful day. Smile sparkling, every bit of white silk in pristine order. “I ate today.”
“You’re all bones. Eat more,” he chided, handing over a steaming mug of green tea.
Sungmin. Always caring; her “older brother”.
She had been unforgivingly selfish...to Sungmin. Jessica smiled and took an uncommitted sip. It was to time to get this over and done.
“Sungie, have you been sleeping?”
The man--who once prided himself for his youthful features--considerably aged since the accident. Ashen eyebags became a permanent fixture and unfortunate lines sank into the corners of his lips. In the right light, Jessica swore she spotted silver hairs peeking from his mussy mop-top.
Sungmin peered at a wall clock, as if counting the hours. “I get an hour nap every so often.”
“You’re killing yourself.”
He scoffed, slouching deeper into his armchair. “Broken heart syndrome.”
Jessica couldn’t make herself sit. “I hear ya.”
“I pray you’ll never experience this hollow feeling, Jessica.”
Jessica paced to the open window. Darkness. Too many trees blocked the sky from that angle. One of her many jealous grievances when they bought their home. “Hollow’s a good word for it.”
“Yeah. You and Sunny were attached at the hip.”
“Mm.”
“Whatever happened to,” Sungmin snapped weakly, face scrunched with recollection. “Changmin. Shim Changmin. Your date for the Christmas benefit last year? He was a handsome guy.”
And gay. He thought Sungmin was handsome, too. “Didn’t work out. We were looking for different things.”
“Shame. You shouldn’t deal with the death of your friend alone.”
“I’m not--” Alone. Tiffany came to mind. “suffering. As much. Don’t worry about me.”
“You’re 27 and content with being single? People will talk.”
“They’re already talking, aren’t they?”
Sungmin smacked his teeth in agreement. “Careers are fine and dandy, but deep down, every woman wants someone to protect her and there’s stable men who’d provide for you.”
Jessica placed the full teacup onto a table or else she’d scald her wavering hands. “Sungie, you don’t know what I want deep down.”
“I’m afraid to ask.”
Their eyes met. She couldn’t recall them ever being so candid with one another. “Ask away, what do you have to lose?”
“My sanity. And trust.”
Trust. Jessica steadied herself on the table’s edge. “Those are important.”
“Whose number is that? On your arm.”
His dead tone suggested the worst. She wet her lips. “Tiffany’s.”
“Ti-Tiffa--” His tousled fringe shook with disbelief. “Mi-Kyung told me you drove her home. Why would you do that? After what she’s put me through...”
“Fa--Tiffany did nothing. It was all Sunny and you know it.”
“Speak ill of the dead in my house again and I will direct you to the door.”
“I’m only speaking the truth.”
“Whose truth? Tiffany Hwang’s?! You bought into her deception?”
Jessica swallowed a brick of anger, knowing that lashing out would help no-one. “How can you say that? You’ve barely talked.”
“That treacherous woman took Sunny down a path she didn’t want. She--”
“How do you know she didn’t want it?”
“Because it’s wrong, Jessica. Wrong.”
The blonde’s throat heated at that condescending, almost parental declaration. “You want the truth, well here it is. Sunny let it be known clearly that Tiffany owned her heart first. I doubted it as much as you, but that’s what came out of her mouth and I’ll be damned to deny it now.”
“She’s poisoned your mind.”
“What more blame are you going to give a total stranger, Sungmin? God, grow up.”
The man hastened into his slippers, charging deadset towards Jessica until they bumped arms. “Mi-Kyung warned me yesterday….all these crazy stories and I didn’t listen. No, not my little sister. We’re close, Jessica. I fucking love you, but I swear to god...don’t prove to be just as underhanded as that lesbian bitch.”
His eyes were running as much as hers at that point. Jessica flexed her chin, confidence draining at inhuman speeds. “Don’t take your anger out on me. Or her.”
“Why shouldn’t I?”
“It’s not her fault.”
“What about yours?”
Gutted, Jessica only stuttered.
“Did you and her…” He waved a hand, too disgusted to speak the words.
Her? Which her? Jessica stepped backward, catching a breath. “I loved her, too, Sungie.”
“I’m such a fool!” Sungmin slammed a fist to the table, sending hot tea flying. “How could you, Jessica?”
“I’m sorry, I--”
“Sorry’s not gonna cut it! You--we--you smiled in my face for years and kept a knife in my back. I considered you my friend. I fought for you to speak at her funeral and...”
Jessica swiped an arm across her damp eyes. The tears pricked her like needles.
“I defended you against Sunny’s goddamned mother. Do you know how fucking stupid I feel right now? I thought she loved me.”
“She-she--” Did Sunny love Sungmin? “I don’t know what to say.”
“No wonder you went to Tiffany’s defense. You’re one in the same. You deserve each other.”
“I only wanted what was best for Sunny.”
“And I’m collateral damage, huh?” Sungmin deflated into his chair, thin lips curls in a snarl. “Get out of my sight. Women like you sicken me. Fucking unnatural.”
Jessica reached the front door--ready to leave behind this aching, guilt-driven past and a man she’d grown to admire as well as envy--when Sungmin’s last utterance froze her mid-stride.
“Our wedding day. Did you?”
“...that morning. In her mother’s guest room.”
“Stay away from our family.”
Our family. Something Jessica could never claim. “Bye, Sungmin.”
…
Loss of two support systems: a fuming, heartbroken “brother” and a mother figure, who apparently had her suspicions longer than she’d wish to know...
Why did telling the truth hurt so badly?
Jessica fell face-first into her bed, having no idea how she got home in one piece. She groped at the beetle charm, grasping for any iota of remaining strength. Links to her heart coiled around her aimless fingers.
Sunny.
Her brainy, side-splitting, fire-juggling Lee Sunkyu.
That side of the bed used to be Sunny’s. The same one warmed by Tiffany’s body not too long ago. Did that make her a whore? A treacherous woman, as Sungmin put it.
A lesbian bitch.
Jessica Jung hadn’t pictured a happy ending for them--Sunny, herself, and Sungmin. Only undoable lies and restlessness. Happy moments--no matter how beautiful--retained the faintest of rainclouds overhead. Full satisfaction under hostage of careful words or averted glances. Nary a peace of mind.
Her phone rattled next to her head. She knew who it’d be.
And despite the soaked circle of comforter beneath her sodden cheek, she smiled.
Jessica sat cross-legged on the bed, rummaging through her nightstand drawer as she came up with non-depressing responses to the text: +U Ok?
No, she wasn’t okay. But she could be, someday.
She typed up a reply. Then, with cotton rounds and the bitter scent of remover permeating the air, she quietly purged her nails of Sirena blue.
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Date: 2014-07-29 03:23 pm (UTC)I really love how damaged and real all your characters are; especially with their differing opinions and morals. As nice as it would be for everyone to be lovely and accepting of things, it just doesn't happen.
Looking forward to the last chapter. Byeee~
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Date: 2014-08-01 05:58 am (UTC)Huzzaaaahhh on guessing correctly. >:DD And I'm doing well. Between this fic, getting swamped with too many projects at work, and general awesomeness, I've been quite busy. Doing well, tho. ^^ I hope you're doing well, too~~~
Differing morals/opinions was really interesting part of writing all this. Frustrating, too. Didn't want to get anyone confused, ya know?? haha. It's workin' tho, methinks. :33 Oh, how life would be easier if everyone were accepting. Blah.
It's up!!! Latersss, bb!! Thanks for dropping by <3